From Here

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Now, I want to say, we are settling into a period of normalcy. Except of course there is no such thing. Practice, is practice, is practice, is practice and we do it from where ever we so happen to be.

This week I had a lot of reasons not to work. Friday afternoon I found myself alone in the studio. I dislike alone a lot. So much so that I wonder if it is not time for me to commit to regularly being alone in the studio to see what it is exactly I am so afraid of. We shall see. In the meantime, I made a promise to myself to work during that time come what may, or indeed when no one else comes! What I have noticed is that the first moments of a practice are always a challenge for me. I don’t know what to do, I feel full of resistance and a kind of sense of ‘this is stupid’, I feel pointless and practice feels pointless. What I have also noticed is that this shows up every single time so I need not pay it so much attention. It’s just stuff and the best way to deal with stuff is to get on with something small. Out of the small thing, another small thing usually emerges and on we go. I don’t need to know everything, the next step will do and the next step has full permission to mediocre so it’s all good. For me there is a feeling akin to pushing a car up a steep hill, eventually, it has to roll down the other side and more times than not if I just get on with something, anything then the next thing reveals itself once it is good and ready.

This week I was also unwell. For those not in the know, I have a diagnosis of CFS. I don’t discuss it much because I manage it, for the most part, very well. But this week I struggled, I had a lot of pain in my body and the knock-on effect was some heaviness in my heart as I met the seemingly unlimited limits of my own capacity. Still, pain or no pain I prefer to work, to move and to make. From here I feel a sense of expansion despite what my own system has to say for itself. But I have to listen a little harder to what my body is saying, work in ways that are a bit quieter. When I work alone I film myself and then watch back and repeat. I do not know exactly to what ends except that I am waiting for the work to tell me what to do next. Sometimes it does, sometimes not in which case I just do something anyway. I don’t have time to be fussy, I just want to get on with whatever it is, even if I am just getting on with the business of not really knowing what I am doing.

Then Friday night is ensemble night and we were a bit quiet due to half-term holidays. I am thankful that I do not have to push too much, that I can hand over sections of facilitation to those who have been working with me for a while without worry, that I can just ask them what they want to do and that they figure it out. I am just the admin, the person prepared to pull it together, after that they don’t need me much, they can get on fine on their own. Still I do my usual too much talking about things I do not understand and they listen and argue back a bit and collectively we come to no conclusions except we all love the ball game and so play it twice, once at the start and again at the end of the session.

And now it is Monday again and I have no idea what kind of state I will be in by Friday, mentally or physically but I know it is possible to work through most things or rather to work alongside most things or work compassionately with most things. To create a clearing in the forest and work from right where we are.

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